I was working on the following blog entry for days, but eventually deleted almost everything I wrote and decided to start over again. It’s still not perfect, just pieces of what I feel and think really, but it is honest and maybe some of you can relate to me…
Last Sunday I was talking to a friend and she said something I had to think about a lot throughout the week. She said: ‚I want to be like Jesus. I try very hard to serve others, give them bread, be kind. I do all these things, but too often forget the most important thing Jesus did – He died! He died to his own will and desires. He said: ‚Not my, but Thy will be done!‘ And I need to do that more often. In fact, I need to do that every single day. I need to die to my own desires and plans, so that God can take His place in my heart. When I die and put my life down at His feet, that is when His peace fills my heart and I don’t have to worry about anything anymore.‘
You never know what ‚Surrender‘ really means, until you have to give up something that is really important to you. All of the sudden the song All to Jesus I surrender gets a completely different meaning. Every time we are about to sing it at church, I pause to think about the words, knowing that they have the power to change the direction of my life.
Quite honestly: I’m still holding on and trying to make my plans work. I’m crying and pleading with God, trying to change His mind. I pray: ‚Not my, but Thy will be done‘, but at the same time I’m still hoping that He will give me what I want.
I know the pain of the loss will never ease until I actually let go and give God room to work. I’m tired of fighting God, I’m spiritually exhausted. I pray one thing, hoping for the opposite and I can’t go on like that anymore.
I feel dead inside even though I pray and read the Bible. I try to do all the things Jesus did but always forget about the dying-to-self-part.
R E P E N T A N C E !
Deep inside, I am still fighting God. I’m not accepting God’s will for my life. I have to die! I can’t have my own will and hope for God to guide me at the same time. I can’t hold on to something, but tell God that He can lead me wherever He wants to.
Surrender is something I have to choose every day. There will never be peace, when God isn’t in control. I will always look for things I can do, instead of allowing God to work.
On days like this, God feels so far away. So distant and unreachable. But maybe faith isn’t something we just ‚feel‘, but something we choose to do. We choose to believe even when it’s hard to. I can either choose to surrender and believe that God will provide, or do the opposite and try to get control of it. But the more I try to get control of it, the more it hurts me, because I know that there is simply nothing I can do about it.
‚God, I want to be able to speak words of life, but there is no life within me…‘
In my despair I cry out to he Lord, asking Him to speak to me. I need Him as my comforter, now more than ever. I open my Bibel and this is what I read:
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord, Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord! Psalm 27; 13 – 14
God is telling me to wait on Him! I don’t have to worry about it anymore. All I need to do is wait on Him and He will provide. He knows and He cares! And He wants me to be of good courage!
‚He shall strengthen my heart!‘ When I’m discouraged, He shall strengthen my heart! I don’t have to try to be strong myself. In my weakness, He is strong.
‚I will wait on you, Lord. I surrender and I will wait!‘